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Wednesday, 18 August 2010

My Dreams are My fears...

The last couple of days have been slightly weird for me, a unique blend of Euphoria overcast by insecurity and fear. My mind constantly takes a deep dive into overdrive, it presents my dreams and the gravity they so clearly bear, it also presents my imperfections *sigh* and then I feel like I’m drowning.
Learning new things is great and refreshing but they come with a huge responsibility and an intense intensity. (LoL! What does that mean? I ask myself).
I move in a few weeks and I wonder what that will mean and the difference it will make to me, I know for certain though it will be added responsibility, it will also be more space and I’ll have my very own design studio… :)

I have just filled out an application to write freelance for a web site, my hope is that this will lead to me writing for a major magazine (cosmo or vogue), thinking that is really scary… and maybe one day I’ll meet my idol ‘Candace Bushnell’ just after I’ve sold my writings to channel 4 to make a series … even scarier.
I want to love passionately and intensely but I don’t know that I can give that level of love and commitment to anyone ever again, but I want it and desperately too, I think excessive amounts of oxytocin (the cuddly hormone) have invaded my insides. (This month’s Cosmo advised, I was on the way there, but not quite just yet!)
I want my corridor in my new apartment adorned with a Banksy, a rococo inspired vintage mirror and an erotic painting…
The Hamptons, Mykonos, Singapore and Monaco are only a few of the spots on the map I dream about, but, I feel like I would miss moments with my family if I was away every weekend and of course be very broke. :)
I look forward to Ivanaa (my Interior Architectural Dream) and being the lead design consultant on ‘Sting’s’ new home and ‘Elton John’s most recent castle parade after they've both walked into our ‘New Bond Street’ office screaming 'Ade is fabulous!, what you did with Posh's home is... (at a loss of words!).. LoL
I tenderly await the brood, a boy and a girl; but slightly nervous that they would somehow hinder the amazing things I long to build and look like their father! Oh NO!. (the irony is I'd want to build it for them, maybe, only if they are nice to me! :))
All of Candace Bushnell’s books are on my Amazon wishlist and I dream of watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins and Oliver Twist all over again, but I need time to network and socialise *sigh*…
Drastic measures have been taken to reduce my circle of influence, I have become more health concious, seized to waste precious moments on the metro as it focuses on the pain in the world, and stopped adding people to my Blackberry as I slowly wean myself off it. I sponsor a little girl In Africa and I write, but there’s a lot more I want to do…

Lock and key parties are an interesting distraction for me, LoL, one I want to investigate further, after years of pain , I booked an appointment with a top Podiatrist on Harley Street, Jason Hargraves, to finally put my ‘brachymetatarsia’ (shock and horror, there's  a medical term for it!lol) to rest, now what will 3 months of wearing a cast do to my social life. Dreams of sitting on my balcony typing away on my Mac in the winter , wrapped in a thick, thick duvet and warm, fugly socks, cup of coffee in tow, hunt me, ; ‘cheese and wine’ parties and Pimms in the Summer. Writing in Starbucks alongside fellow bloggers, my brand new BMW x5, creating memories with great friends, my list is endless... *sigh*
I see my dreams and then I feel like I’m slowly running out of time or wonder if life will once again delve me another cruel hand. These are my fears… and it’s also the reason I am completely overwhelmed by my relentless God. As I learn to number my days, I can’t help but think that growing up is confusing…

6 comments:

YankeeNaija said...

Had to take a breath. lol. Wow. No wonder you have so many things on your mind, you have a lot on your mind. lol. Truly, if you want it all, you can. You may have to sacrifice to get it, but hopefully the sacrifices will be worth it in the end. God speed and God bless.

inStilettos said...

Lol YN... I really do, don't I! well something's are going to have to give... :)

T.Notes said...

You know i've been "dreaming-again" since i read this post yesterday, or was it two days ago??Left the page open on my browser n musta read it more than a few times.

N still don't quite have the right words for commentary!

*Set a candle to your dreams n keep fanning that flame till it explodes. Who says dreams don't come true*

Loving your tall aspirations. Make them happen.

inStilettos said...

Hey T-notes, completely appreciate the comment! Thank you! interesting thing is I got a few e mails, texts re: this post and I'm so humbled. Thank you... Can't believe you had it open for 2 days:) and I'm so grateful for the comment, can't wait to meet you in person :)

TheFish said...

This post's inspired to write something of this sort's well. I am so scared's well, when I was 18, it was as if the world's my oyster bt now...I really don't know if it still's. Keep up

inStilettos said...

Hey fish thanks! the world is still your oyster :)